How You See Me

How do you see me?
Strong, secure?
What's behind the laugh, the smile?
I tell you what I think,
I share my thoughts,
take you in,
breathe you out,
Yet, we are not connected,
did you share that you don't know,
Did we look in each others' eyes?
I feel,
you feel,
we are,
we are not.
I touched you,
yet I am still alone.

Time Management

ADHD and time management. Well, there's a topic! So I need to start putting limits on myself. Yes, limits. On. Myself. Well. Hmmmm. So, I don't have any experience with actually DOING that. I know it NEEDS to be done, but doing it it something totally different. I have this illusion that I am going to do something great with my life, but if I don't get up off my butt and off the computer, off my cell phone, out from in front of every screen in my life...it ain't gonna happen.

I am so passionate, have so many great ideas, but if I just keep living my life for distractions, it's all for naught. That frustration of knowing that I have something great to offer, but being too...lazy? distracted? unmotivated? confused?...to offer it--haunts me. Talk about existential fear! I'll go to my grave never having realized my full potential--all because of WIFI. Shoot.

ADHD and College

It's getting to be that time. My son is going into his junior year at a college prep school. College prep means that he is being prepared for college. In two years, theoretically, he should be heading off to college. Because it's private college prep school, there are plenty of people there who are 4.0+ students, with all honors and AP classes, who play a sport, play an instrument and have already developed a "resume" a mile long.

To my son's credit, with ADHD, no medication and just a little support (Sylvan Learning 2x a week), he is holding his own. Just not getting-into-Harvard-Stanford-or USC holding his own. He's got a solid C+. Which is an improvement from his Freshman year, so who knows what he might be able to pull of this year with a (little) maturity?
Meanwhile, as the other moms are gearing up for testing and filling that resume for their overachieving sons, I am FREAKING OUT that he won't get into college. All you hear about is how critical this year is, how hard it is to get into schools, how they need to do this that and the other thing or they'll NEVER get in ANYWHERE. It's enough to give me a massive panic attack and be voluntarily committed.

SO-what do I do when anxiety strikes? Like any good addict, I Google it. So, I Googled "colleges for C students" and lo and behold, there ARE schools that look at more than grades. If my son, with his high IQ and stellar test taking skills, can show that he is smart and motivated and has a lot to offer (which he does), there is a chance that we can pay a large sum of money to some great (yet small) institution to admit him. This is at once reassuring and disturbing, but all hope is not lost. Except he wants to go to L.A. and be a rock star. We'll have to work on that...

What do you think? How important is college these days? Have you had an ADHD kid make it through high school and try college? How'd it go? I'd love to hear others' experiences.

Aaagghhh!

Spilled red wine on the couch. Got up to get a cloth to wipe it up. Decided I should wash the pans that had been sitting there for 24 hours. Washed the pans. Saw the coffee pot. Decided I'd get coffee ready to make in the morning. Got the coffee ready, went to go sit down and realized there was red wine on the couch.
This is the story of my life. I've been sitting here for the last however many hours on the TV and computer, while PILES of clean laundry are sitting in the other room waiting to be folded, and I'm miles behind on the work I have to get done. It's so frustrating! But the guilt I feel for sitting here, doesn't seem to motivate me to move my ass!
I have been looking into coaching. I've been to counselors multiple times. Part of me still feels like this is all in my head--not a real "condition" at all--just a lack of character on my part. Geez, by 40 I thought I'd have it all figured out...

Following through...

The trouble with ADHD is so many great ideas and so little follow through! I started this blog as a way to vent some of the millions of thoughts that bounce around in my head each day, and now here it's been over a year since I've posted.
It gets so frustrating to feel intelligent, but have nothing to show for it because I can't make anything happen. Who cares about a great idea if nothing ever gets done? Isn't that the true difference between those who achieve success and those who don't?
Lately, I have been completely overwhelmed. I keep taking on more and more things until now I feel like I'm not doing any of them well. The crazy thing is, there are about 100 more things I'd like to start doing too! The toll that ADHD has taken on my self-esteem is brutal. I feel like such a failure and a bad person--and I still question whether it's even ADHD or just a character issue--even though I've been diagnosed.
Trying to help my 16 year old son with ADHD through his academic challenges feels nearly impossible when I'm so terrible at managing my own life.
I've been considering hiring an ADHD coach. Part of me is hopeful that it could help, but part of me doesn't want to waste money on something that probably won't help at all. I feel like I live in this land of in-between, never really being able to decide and move forward.
Wow, this post has turned more negative than I planned! Life is good and I am blessed--now I just need to approach each day that way. And who knows, maybe a coach can help me do that.

My Kids Have Verve

So, I have brilliant kids. No, seriously. I do. I know every parent thinks they do, but really--mine have IQ tests and they are smart off the charts. One, however, is not an academic. Struggles at his college prep school. Tries to "fit in" but just can't resist calling BS whenever, wherever he sees it--from whoever seems to be disseminating it--regardless of his or her level of authority.

Actually, my other son has a similar reaction to disingenuous-ness. While one can't express an emotion to save his life, the other can't hide one to save his. A weird combination of their father and me.

So as often as I long for their "normalcy" I have to remind myself that I would rather have this. How boring to have two kids so willing to succumb to the status quo. Everyone who ever changed the course of history dared to shake things up. All these years of wishing I had the "normal" kid that I could brag to everyone about (and believe me, every "top dog" thing they did, I did my share of bragging), I now realize that I am happy to have the "different" kids. I am happy to be the mom of the kids who ask questions, who challenge authority, who want to be different.

Is it hard in the moment? Yes. Do I get embarrassed? Yes. Do I wish they raised me to the top of the social ladder? Sometimes. But when I stop and think about it, I would MUCH rather deal with the "difficulty" of raising two thinking, challenging beings, than be the mom of sheep.

Are they energetic? Emotional? Expressive? Sometimes irreverent? Yes. Me? I like to call it verve.

Motivation and Craziness

Here's the problem with a blog on ADHD written by an ADHDer...how do you stay motivated to keep posting? As with everything in my life, I am excited about it for about 5 minutes, get things started and then as it gets into the routine and the details, it falls by the wayside. The only thing I haven't done that with is parenting! So, I started this blog and now here I am slacking off, losing interest in posting.

Second point for today, I am tired of feeling crazy. As I read other people's tweets and blogs, I realize I am not alone in my craziness--we all are to a certain extent--but it's exhausting. I want the peace of mind that a few others seem to have. I want to stop operating from a place of fear and take risks. I want to start making decisions from a place of love. It sounds kind of woo woo, but I keep thinking that I have everything I ever wanted right now and I'm still unhappy, so what's the risk in doing something different? It's crazy.