My Kids Have Verve

So, I have brilliant kids. No, seriously. I do. I know every parent thinks they do, but really--mine have IQ tests and they are smart off the charts. One, however, is not an academic. Struggles at his college prep school. Tries to "fit in" but just can't resist calling BS whenever, wherever he sees it--from whoever seems to be disseminating it--regardless of his or her level of authority.

Actually, my other son has a similar reaction to disingenuous-ness. While one can't express an emotion to save his life, the other can't hide one to save his. A weird combination of their father and me.

So as often as I long for their "normalcy" I have to remind myself that I would rather have this. How boring to have two kids so willing to succumb to the status quo. Everyone who ever changed the course of history dared to shake things up. All these years of wishing I had the "normal" kid that I could brag to everyone about (and believe me, every "top dog" thing they did, I did my share of bragging), I now realize that I am happy to have the "different" kids. I am happy to be the mom of the kids who ask questions, who challenge authority, who want to be different.

Is it hard in the moment? Yes. Do I get embarrassed? Yes. Do I wish they raised me to the top of the social ladder? Sometimes. But when I stop and think about it, I would MUCH rather deal with the "difficulty" of raising two thinking, challenging beings, than be the mom of sheep.

Are they energetic? Emotional? Expressive? Sometimes irreverent? Yes. Me? I like to call it verve.

Motivation and Craziness

Here's the problem with a blog on ADHD written by an ADHDer...how do you stay motivated to keep posting? As with everything in my life, I am excited about it for about 5 minutes, get things started and then as it gets into the routine and the details, it falls by the wayside. The only thing I haven't done that with is parenting! So, I started this blog and now here I am slacking off, losing interest in posting.

Second point for today, I am tired of feeling crazy. As I read other people's tweets and blogs, I realize I am not alone in my craziness--we all are to a certain extent--but it's exhausting. I want the peace of mind that a few others seem to have. I want to stop operating from a place of fear and take risks. I want to start making decisions from a place of love. It sounds kind of woo woo, but I keep thinking that I have everything I ever wanted right now and I'm still unhappy, so what's the risk in doing something different? It's crazy.

A Few Glorious Days!

I can't actually believe it, but God has granted us a reprieve from the craziness of ADHD for a few days! I don't know why or how, but my house has been amazingly calm. What a gift! Of course, if everything is going so well, what do I have to blog about?

Recognizing and enjoying these pauses, for one. It's so easy to get used to constantly being in crisis-mode--whatever that means for you and your family--that it's easy to overlook the fact that there is not crisis every day. There truly are great days and when a few are strung together, it should be cause for celebration. Instead, I often find myself living in fear, waiting for the other shoe to drop--usually a call from school.

I recently joined a group called Grace in Small Things. I get e-mails from them and inevitably when I read them it takes me out of my own little world and helps me to remember that my life has been abundantly blessed. The little hiccups that ADHD puts in front of us have been just that so far--and THAT is something to be thankful for.

Perception vs. Reality

A dear old friend of mine is in town for a few days. Her kids have "issues" too--not ADHD but behavioral issues that have caused similar frustration and energy-zapping. It was so nice yesterday to talk with someone else who understands! After hanging in the background of so many conversations about how awesome other people's kids are--academically, athletically ACHIEVING--it was nice to talk to another parent about "what's wrong with my kid??"

Don't get me wrong, my kids are amazing. I love them. They are incredibly talented--mostly at things that don't show up on report cards. It's crazy when you get a call from the youth group leader: "I just love your son. He's so fun. Amazingly talented and so good with the other kids. It's such a joy to have him as part of our group! And I need you to come pick him up because he just pushed a kid over." It's such a strange contrast! 

As my friend and I were talking, we shared the perception that ours were the only "weird" families. It's so easy to look at other people and their high-achieving "normal" kids and think that all is well with everyone else and we are the only abnormal family around! And it doesn't help that so many people try hard to keep up the perception of "normal" because they don't want to seem like weirdos. Well, perceptions are mostly inaccurate, I think, and I wonder how many people have looked at our family and thought, "why can't we be normal like they are?" If they only knew!

To Enable or Not to Enable...That is the Question

One of the questions that has dogged me throughout my son's 15 years--even before we knew he had ADHD--is whether I am helping or enabling him. He has a very difficult time keeping track of ANYTHING. So does his dad. So do I. So I feel bad for the poor guy. After all, most of his friends have those hyper-organized mom's that keep track of everything and the boys either got their genes or are benefitting from them. The odds were against my kid from the beginning.

In middle school it was books. It didn't matter what we tried--rewards, punishments, organizational "tricks," this kid could not keep track of his school books. Eventually, in 8th grade, we just bought him a second set. My feeling is that it's a big enough struggle just trying to get the work done and missing books does not help! The question is, is that enabling his behavior? Perhaps if I just let him flunk all of his classes, he might remember the books? Even though past experiences tell me that, no, he'd probably just flunk and still lose books, I wonder. I know I am guilty of not letting him fail.

This year, in 9th grade, it is clothing. He is going to a very challenging college prep school and we are doing all we can to keep his head above water. We are still trying to get meds right; we've had some success but the side effects have outweighed the benefits. Here it is the last two weeks of school with football practice starting, finals coming up, and his grades are dropping again. So, for football they were given (we bought) 1 grey shirt, 1 white shirt, 1 black short, 1 red short. First week--lost the grey shirt. Creatively, he started borrowing them from other guys...however, now he's lost another guy's grey shirt. If they show up in the wrong shirt--the whole team pays for it with up-downs. Who wants to be "that guy?"

I inquired about getting more shirts, but the response was "no, because the coach wants them to learn to be responsible for their things." I'm thinking, yeah, that would be nice, but if that's the case, ain't gonna happen for my kid, right now. Maybe down the road. Maybe with practice and maturity, but not right now. So, here's the deal--I scanned in the graphics, got iron on paper, and am working on making two shirts (the other kid needs one too--he shouldn't have to pay for Brad's mistake). So is that helping? or is that enabling? I can't decide, because I feel like, despite humiliation from his teammates, it's unlikely to help him keep track of a shirt.

On the other hand, he has a $2500 laptop that he's kept track of all year...

With Gifts Come Responsibility

The thought occurred to me last night that as ADHDrs we have been blessed with a unique approach to the world. That gift means, that despite challenges, we have a responsibility to share that gift with the world responsibly. We have the power to use our gifts to change the world, to bring creativity where there is none, to change systems and processes for everyone's benefit, to help people look at things from a different perspective.

I can't recall what movie it's from, but the line "with great power comes great responsibility" comes to mind. I often tell my ADHD son, 15, "if only you'd use your powers for good, not evil." Not that he's ever truly "evil," but he can use his intelligence, his humor, his energy, his leadership skills to make any group he's part of better for having him as a member. OR...he can hurt people, abuse drugs or alcohol, flunk out of school, get fired from jobs, etc. Yes, it may be tougher for him to consistently make good choices, but it is possible.

When ADHD is viewed as a disorder, then we are in a mindset of trying to prevent the negative consequences that result from the disorder. When ADHD is viewed as a gift, we can then adopt a mindset of how we can use our unique gifts and talents to make the world around us a better place. 

Although I've struggled my whole life and at 40 now feel relieved to be diagnosed and medicated, in some ways I'm glad I was never labeled. There was always a lot expected of me and so I rose to the challenge. While I'm not against some accommodations, I need to see my son (and myself) as capable rather than simply challenged. When I see my son as challenged, I live each day in fear of what he will do next, that he'll never graduate, be independent. If I can view him as capable, then I can focus on helping overcome the challenges to make a positive contribution.

There are a lot of really bad things going on in the world: cancer, people living in squalor, soldiers and civilians dying, kids killing kids, and an island of plastic the size of Texas floating in our ocean--to name a few. Operating according to the 90% of the world without ADHD has gotten us here, and while it would probably be a really bad idea to let us run the world, perhaps we have a responsibility to help the world run a little better.

God's Wheel by Shel Silverstein

God says to me with kind of a smile,

"Hey how would you like to be God awhile

And steer the world?"

"Okay," says I, "I'll give it a try.

Where do I set?

How much do I get?

What time is lunch?

When can I quit?"

"Gimme back that wheel," says God,

"I don't think you're quite ready yet."

Great Jobs for ADHDrs

As usual, I'm wasting a bunch of time today surfing the web. Those Internet rabbit trails tend to be a perfect place for us ADHDrs to get lost and procrastinate! One of my favorite new blogs is A Hunter in a Farmer's World. On his latest blog post, a comment was made from a police officer with ADHD and Chris (the blogger) mentioned he'd considered law enforcement as well. It got me to thinking...are there some jobs that are really good for ADHDrs?

Now I know there are variables here (personal preference, skill sets, geography, education, socio-economic background, degree of ADHD, if there are other coexisting conditions, etc.), but I was thinking, in general, if some jobs lend themselves to being better for ADHDrs than others?

In my own career, I was lucky enough to be at the corporate offices of a major company during their high-growth years, so I always doing a new and different job. Now, I do consulting, so I work from home and control my own hours and work methods to a great extent. While it's been great for me, especially as a parent, I also think it's "enabled" me a bit. Since I don't have to sit for long periods and pay attention, it may have lowered my attention span further. It also may have contributed to my lack of organization. Like any job, for anyone, it has it's plusses and minuses, but overall it's been a great solution for me.

The advice from ADDitude Magazine is for ADHDrs to do any job that they love, since it's when we are interested that we are most engaged. You might say that would be true for anyone, but most non-ADHDrs are able to set aside what they want to do for what they have to do (not that they enjoy doing it, but they can); it's not a gift ADHDrs are necessarily blessed with!

Other great ADHD jobs? Anyone?