Living with ADHD: Parenting and Beyond

How You See Me

2010-09-23T22:43:00.001-07:00

How do you see me?
Strong, secure?
What's behind the laugh, the smile?
I tell you what I think,
I share my thoughts,
take you in,
breathe you out,
Yet, we are not connected,
did you share that you don't know,
Did we look in each others' eyes?
I feel,
you feel,
we are,
we are not.
I touched you,
yet I am still alone.

Time Management

2010-06-18T23:49:00.000-07:00

ADHD and time management. Well, there's a topic! So I need to start putting limits on myself. Yes, limits. On. Myself. Well. Hmmmm. So, I don't have any experience with actually DOING that. I know it NEEDS to be done, but doing it it something totally different. I have this illusion that I am going to do something great with my life, but if I don't get up off my butt and off the computer, off my cell phone, out from in front of every screen in my life...it ain't gonna happen.

I am so passionate, have so many great ideas, but if I just keep living my life for distractions, it's all for naught. That frustration of knowing that I have something great to offer, but being too...lazy? distracted? unmotivated? confused?...to offer it--haunts me. Talk about existential fear! I'll go to my grave never having realized my full potential--all because of WIFI. Shoot.

ADHD and College

2010-06-17T18:47:00.000-07:00

It's getting to be that time. My son is going into his junior year at a college prep school. College prep means that he is being prepared for college. In two years, theoretically, he should be heading off to college. Because it's private college prep school, there are plenty of people there who are 4.0+ students, with all honors and AP classes, who play a sport, play an instrument and have already developed a "resume" a mile long.

To my son's credit, with ADHD, no medication and just a little support (Sylvan Learning 2x a week), he is holding his own. Just not getting-into-Harvard-Stanford-or USC holding his own. He's got a solid C+. Which is an improvement from his Freshman year, so who knows what he might be able to pull of this year with a (little) maturity?
Meanwhile, as the other moms are gearing up for testing and filling that resume for their overachieving sons, I am FREAKING OUT that he won't get into college. All you hear about is how critical this year is, how hard it is to get into schools, how they need to do this that and the other thing or they'll NEVER get in ANYWHERE. It's enough to give me a massive panic attack and be voluntarily committed.

SO-what do I do when anxiety strikes? Like any good addict, I Google it. So, I Googled "colleges for C students" and lo and behold, there ARE schools that look at more than grades. If my son, with his high IQ and stellar test taking skills, can show that he is smart and motivated and has a lot to offer (which he does), there is a chance that we can pay a large sum of money to some great (yet small) institution to admit him. This is at once reassuring and disturbing, but all hope is not lost. Except he wants to go to L.A. and be a rock star. We'll have to work on that...

What do you think? How important is college these days? Have you had an ADHD kid make it through high school and try college? How'd it go? I'd love to hear others' experiences.

Aaagghhh!

2010-05-11T22:06:00.001-07:00

Spilled red wine on the couch. Got up to get a cloth to wipe it up. Decided I should wash the pans that had been sitting there for 24 hours. Washed the pans. Saw the coffee pot. Decided I'd get coffee ready to make in the morning. Got the coffee ready, went to go sit down and realized there was red wine on the couch.
This is the story of my life. I've been sitting here for the last however many hours on the TV and computer, while PILES of clean laundry are sitting in the other room waiting to be folded, and I'm miles behind on the work I have to get done. It's so frustrating! But the guilt I feel for sitting here, doesn't seem to motivate me to move my ass!
I have been looking into coaching. I've been to counselors multiple times. Part of me still feels like this is all in my head--not a real "condition" at all--just a lack of character on my part. Geez, by 40 I thought I'd have it all figured out...

Following through...

2010-05-10T08:39:00.000-07:00

The trouble with ADHD is so many great ideas and so little follow through! I started this blog as a way to vent some of the millions of thoughts that bounce around in my head each day, and now here it's been over a year since I've posted.
It gets so frustrating to feel intelligent, but have nothing to show for it because I can't make anything happen. Who cares about a great idea if nothing ever gets done? Isn't that the true difference between those who achieve success and those who don't?
Lately, I have been completely overwhelmed. I keep taking on more and more things until now I feel like I'm not doing any of them well. The crazy thing is, there are about 100 more things I'd like to start doing too! The toll that ADHD has taken on my self-esteem is brutal. I feel like such a failure and a bad person--and I still question whether it's even ADHD or just a character issue--even though I've been diagnosed.
Trying to help my 16 year old son with ADHD through his academic challenges feels nearly impossible when I'm so terrible at managing my own life.
I've been considering hiring an ADHD coach. Part of me is hopeful that it could help, but part of me doesn't want to waste money on something that probably won't help at all. I feel like I live in this land of in-between, never really being able to decide and move forward.
Wow, this post has turned more negative than I planned! Life is good and I am blessed--now I just need to approach each day that way. And who knows, maybe a coach can help me do that.

My Kids Have Verve

2009-12-08T21:59:00.000-08:00

So, I have brilliant kids. No, seriously. I do. I know every parent thinks they do, but really--mine have IQ tests and they are smart off the charts. One, however, is not an academic. Struggles at his college prep school. Tries to "fit in" but just can't resist calling BS whenever, wherever he sees it--from whoever seems to be disseminating it--regardless of his or her level of authority.

Actually, my other son has a similar reaction to disingenuous-ness. While one can't express an emotion to save his life, the other can't hide one to save his. A weird combination of their father and me.

So as often as I long for their "normalcy" I have to remind myself that I would rather have this. How boring to have two kids so willing to succumb to the status quo. Everyone who ever changed the course of history dared to shake things up. All these years of wishing I had the "normal" kid that I could brag to everyone about (and believe me, every "top dog" thing they did, I did my share of bragging), I now realize that I am happy to have the "different" kids. I am happy to be the mom of the kids who ask questions, who challenge authority, who want to be different.

Is it hard in the moment? Yes. Do I get embarrassed? Yes. Do I wish they raised me to the top of the social ladder? Sometimes. But when I stop and think about it, I would MUCH rather deal with the "difficulty" of raising two thinking, challenging beings, than be the mom of sheep.

Are they energetic? Emotional? Expressive? Sometimes irreverent? Yes. Me? I like to call it verve.

Motivation and Craziness

2009-05-31T12:42:00.000-07:00

Here's the problem with a blog on ADHD written by an ADHDer...how do you stay motivated to keep posting? As with everything in my life, I am excited about it for about 5 minutes, get things started and then as it gets into the routine and the details, it falls by the wayside. The only thing I haven't done that with is parenting! So, I started this blog and now here I am slacking off, losing interest in posting.

Second point for today, I am tired of feeling crazy. As I read other people's tweets and blogs, I realize I am not alone in my craziness--we all are to a certain extent--but it's exhausting. I want the peace of mind that a few others seem to have. I want to stop operating from a place of fear and take risks. I want to start making decisions from a place of love. It sounds kind of woo woo, but I keep thinking that I have everything I ever wanted right now and I'm still unhappy, so what's the risk in doing something different? It's crazy.

A Few Glorious Days!

2009-05-18T15:07:00.001-07:00

I can't actually believe it, but God has granted us a reprieve from the craziness of ADHD for a few days! I don't know why or how, but my house has been amazingly calm. What a gift! Of course, if everything is going so well, what do I have to blog about?

Recognizing and enjoying these pauses, for one. It's so easy to get used to constantly being in crisis-mode--whatever that means for you and your family--that it's easy to overlook the fact that there is not crisis every day. There truly are great days and when a few are strung together, it should be cause for celebration. Instead, I often find myself living in fear, waiting for the other shoe to drop--usually a call from school.

I recently joined a group called Grace in Small Things. I get e-mails from them and inevitably when I read them it takes me out of my own little world and helps me to remember that my life has been abundantly blessed. The little hiccups that ADHD puts in front of us have been just that so far--and THAT is something to be thankful for.

Perception vs. Reality

2009-05-15T09:03:00.000-07:00

A dear old friend of mine is in town for a few days. Her kids have "issues" too--not ADHD but behavioral issues that have caused similar frustration and energy-zapping. It was so nice yesterday to talk with someone else who understands! After hanging in the background of so many conversations about how awesome other people's kids are--academically, athletically ACHIEVING--it was nice to talk to another parent about "what's wrong with my kid??"

Don't get me wrong, my kids are amazing. I love them. They are incredibly talented--mostly at things that don't show up on report cards. It's crazy when you get a call from the youth group leader: "I just love your son. He's so fun. Amazingly talented and so good with the other kids. It's such a joy to have him as part of our group! And I need you to come pick him up because he just pushed a kid over." It's such a strange contrast!

As my friend and I were talking, we shared the perception that ours were the only "weird" families. It's so easy to look at other people and their high-achieving "normal" kids and think that all is well with everyone else and we are the only abnormal family around! And it doesn't help that so many people try hard to keep up the perception of "normal" because they don't want to seem like weirdos. Well, perceptions are mostly inaccurate, I think, and I wonder how many people have looked at our family and thought, "why can't we be normal like they are?" If they only knew!

To Enable or Not to Enable...That is the Question

2009-05-12T07:14:00.000-07:00

One of the questions that has dogged me throughout my son's 15 years--even before we knew he had ADHD--is whether I am helping or enabling him. He has a very difficult time keeping track of ANYTHING. So does his dad. So do I. So I feel bad for the poor guy. After all, most of his friends have those hyper-organized mom's that keep track of everything and the boys either got their genes or are benefitting from them. The odds were against my kid from the beginning.

In middle school it was books. It didn't matter what we tried--rewards, punishments, organizational "tricks," this kid could not keep track of his school books. Eventually, in 8th grade, we just bought him a second set. My feeling is that it's a big enough struggle just trying to get the work done and missing books does not help! The question is, is that enabling his behavior? Perhaps if I just let him flunk all of his classes, he might remember the books? Even though past experiences tell me that, no, he'd probably just flunk and still lose books, I wonder. I know I am guilty of not letting him fail.

This year, in 9th grade, it is clothing. He is going to a very challenging college prep school and we are doing all we can to keep his head above water. We are still trying to get meds right; we've had some success but the side effects have outweighed the benefits. Here it is the last two weeks of school with football practice starting, finals coming up, and his grades are dropping again. So, for football they were given (we bought) 1 grey shirt, 1 white shirt, 1 black short, 1 red short. First week--lost the grey shirt. Creatively, he started borrowing them from other guys...however, now he's lost another guy's grey shirt. If they show up in the wrong shirt--the whole team pays for it with up-downs. Who wants to be "that guy?"

I inquired about getting more shirts, but the response was "no, because the coach wants them to learn to be responsible for their things." I'm thinking, yeah, that would be nice, but if that's the case, ain't gonna happen for my kid, right now. Maybe down the road. Maybe with practice and maturity, but not right now. So, here's the deal--I scanned in the graphics, got iron on paper, and am working on making two shirts (the other kid needs one too--he shouldn't have to pay for Brad's mistake). So is that helping? or is that enabling? I can't decide, because I feel like, despite humiliation from his teammates, it's unlikely to help him keep track of a shirt.

On the other hand, he has a $2500 laptop that he's kept track of all year...

With Gifts Come Responsibility

2009-05-09T12:07:00.000-07:00

The thought occurred to me last night that as ADHDrs we have been blessed with a unique approach to the world. That gift means, that despite challenges, we have a responsibility to share that gift with the world responsibly. We have the power to use our gifts to change the world, to bring creativity where there is none, to change systems and processes for everyone's benefit, to help people look at things from a different perspective.

I can't recall what movie it's from, but the line "with great power comes great responsibility" comes to mind. I often tell my ADHD son, 15, "if only you'd use your powers for good, not evil." Not that he's ever truly "evil," but he can use his intelligence, his humor, his energy, his leadership skills to make any group he's part of better for having him as a member. OR...he can hurt people, abuse drugs or alcohol, flunk out of school, get fired from jobs, etc. Yes, it may be tougher for him to consistently make good choices, but it is possible.

When ADHD is viewed as a disorder, then we are in a mindset of trying to prevent the negative consequences that result from the disorder. When ADHD is viewed as a gift, we can then adopt a mindset of how we can use our unique gifts and talents to make the world around us a better place.

Although I've struggled my whole life and at 40 now feel relieved to be diagnosed and medicated, in some ways I'm glad I was never labeled. There was always a lot expected of me and so I rose to the challenge. While I'm not against some accommodations, I need to see my son (and myself) as capable rather than simply challenged. When I see my son as challenged, I live each day in fear of what he will do next, that he'll never graduate, be independent. If I can view him as capable, then I can focus on helping overcome the challenges to make a positive contribution.

There are a lot of really bad things going on in the world: cancer, people living in squalor, soldiers and civilians dying, kids killing kids, and an island of plastic the size of Texas floating in our ocean--to name a few. Operating according to the 90% of the world without ADHD has gotten us here, and while it would probably be a really bad idea to let us run the world, perhaps we have a responsibility to help the world run a little better.

God's Wheel by Shel Silverstein

God says to me with kind of a smile,

"Hey how would you like to be God awhile

And steer the world?"

"Okay," says I, "I'll give it a try.

Where do I set?

How much do I get?

What time is lunch?

When can I quit?"

"Gimme back that wheel," says God,

"I don't think you're quite ready yet."

Great Jobs for ADHDrs

2009-05-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

As usual, I'm wasting a bunch of time today surfing the web. Those Internet rabbit trails tend to be a perfect place for us ADHDrs to get lost and procrastinate! One of my favorite new blogs is A Hunter in a Farmer's World. On his latest blog post, a comment was made from a police officer with ADHD and Chris (the blogger) mentioned he'd considered law enforcement as well. It got me to thinking...are there some jobs that are really good for ADHDrs?

Now I know there are variables here (personal preference, skill sets, geography, education, socio-economic background, degree of ADHD, if there are other coexisting conditions, etc.), but I was thinking, in general, if some jobs lend themselves to being better for ADHDrs than others?

In my own career, I was lucky enough to be at the corporate offices of a major company during their high-growth years, so I always doing a new and different job. Now, I do consulting, so I work from home and control my own hours and work methods to a great extent. While it's been great for me, especially as a parent, I also think it's "enabled" me a bit. Since I don't have to sit for long periods and pay attention, it may have lowered my attention span further. It also may have contributed to my lack of organization. Like any job, for anyone, it has it's plusses and minuses, but overall it's been a great solution for me.

The advice from ADDitude Magazine is for ADHDrs to do any job that they love, since it's when we are interested that we are most engaged. You might say that would be true for anyone, but most non-ADHDrs are able to set aside what they want to do for what they have to do (not that they enjoy doing it, but they can); it's not a gift ADHDrs are necessarily blessed with!

Other great ADHD jobs? Anyone?

Alternative "treatments"

2009-05-07T07:44:00.000-07:00

I had to put the term "treatments" in quotes, because I really feel like the only reason we need medication is to try to fit into a system or world that doesn't work for us. It's not really a "dis" order but a "different" order, if you will. Yet, this is the world in which we live, so if the decision is to try to live within those parameters--then I guess we must be "treated." OK. Enough with the quotes.

Having ADHD myself, I have never been great with alternative treatments for anything. Too complicated, too many steps, and lack of motivation, I suppose, all keep me from being able to maintain and follow through with even my best intentions of trying anything alternative. (Another thing that makes me feel like a bad parent, but alas, I did that post yesterday!). That said, I was sent a link to a video on SuperBrain® Yoga awhile ago from a friend and it was sitting in my inbox until I finally decided to check it out today.

This practice has been part of Indian/Hindu culture for many years--it's not some wacky new thing. I am thinking that we just might be able to try this for a week and see how it goes. It only takes a few minutes in the mornings--and DS#1 is off meds right now--so we can see if it might make a difference. Unlike supplements and other practices that people less distracted than I have had success with, this actually seems doable and if it doesn't work, we're only out a few minutes of our time.

I did read about the book on Amazon, and my initial reaction is that it's not worth the time to read. What I might do, though, is go listen to Pranic Healer Master Stephen Co, author of Your Hands Can Heal You, who is speaking at Changing Hands bookstore in Tempe in the next couple of weeks. While I tend not to be a woo-woo kind of person, I don't totally discard all things spiritual, and while I am a Christian, I am also open to other spiritual practices that I think come from the same God. I also don't believe in coincidences--I think the Universe brings us opportunities when we need them--so it is no accident that I read this e-mail today right before this author speaks half an hour from my house!

Whether any of this is interesting to anyone else or not, I have no idea. On this journey of trying to fit into a world that doesn't seem to fit me (or my husband and son!), it can't hurt to always be looking out for ways to make our load lighter and to have a few more enjoyable moments.

Bad Parent!

2009-05-06T14:40:00.000-07:00

ADHD has a way of making you feel like a bad parent. It's so hard not to be codependent--celebrating their successes and lamenting their failures. That's true of every parent, but I think even more so with ADHD kids. There are so many questions: Should I medicate? Should I have medicated earlier? Should I not have medicated? Should we switch meds? Should we punish more? less? Should we reward more? less?

And if you have ADHD too, there are additional questions like: Why couldn't I have provided more structure? Been more organized? More consistent? I should've kept better track of things.

UGH. It's enough to drive a person nuts. I waffle between feeling like we're coddling him to trying to get accommodations. I wonder if we'll ever find the right medication. I wonder if medicating is the right thing to do in the long run. I worry about side effects. I worry about how his grades plummet (from C's to D's mind you) when he's off meds.

In short, when he's good, I'm good. When he's not, I'm not. I try to get off his roller coaster, but it's difficult not to extrapolate every issue into: He'll never be able to get through school, live on his own, keep a job, etc. Of course, his dad and I have, but that's beside the point : )

And then there's DS #2. He's having trouble at school. He has trouble with anger. He's not ADHD, but is part of this because his older brother does? How do you ferret out the issues? What's personality and what's environment? And in the meantime, everyone else's kids are in AP classes, playing club sports, winning awards--in short, flippin' perfect. At least that's how it feels. While we just try to make it through one. day. at. a. time.

ADHD and Self-Medication

2009-05-05T12:17:00.000-07:00

Here's the thing with ADHD--we're much more likely to self-medicate. The common scenario is much caffeine during the morning/day, then much alcohol or pot in the evenings. For some--probably depending on the severity of the ADHD and their personal proclivity--it can lead to much harder drugs/methods of getting high or coming down.

Here's my experience with this. I was major into coffee in the a.m., Diet Coke in the afternoon, and mucho vino in the evenings--to the point that I was waking up with a hangover just about daily. The problem with the alcohol is that yes, it temporarily suppresses the anxiety, but makes it very much worse in the long run. For me, the much worse would be during the night; I'd wake up with my heart beating rapidly, couldn't calm my thoughts, sweating, etc. Somehow, though, I could never control the self-medicating behaviors. Recently I started on Welbutrin, which may help the ADHD some, but definitely has curbed the self-medicating behaviors.

Now, my husband is a different story. He has not been diagnosed ADHD but we are pretty sure he is. He can self-medicate for YEARS with no issues, but it eventually catches up in the form of anxiety and clinical depression. These are major bouts that last for months. The first time it happened, about 12 years ago, we didn't know what it was and he swore it was something "physical"--cancer or worse. The second time it happened was about 10 years ago--we knew it was clinical depression and anxiety, but we didn't know what caused it. Now that DS and I have been diagnosed with ADHD and are getting treated, I am almost positive that the cause of the anxiety and depression is from the self-medication. ADHD and depression are comorbid.

If your kid is ADHD, remember that medicated kids are LESS likely to end up in this self-medication spiral than non-medicated kids. Medication isn't right for everyone, but I rejected medicating him or me for the longest time because I was so philosophically opposed to it. I think there comes a time when the dangers of not medicating might pose less of a threat than just taking the drugs. Food for thought...

Do we all have ADHD?

2009-05-01T07:21:00.000-07:00

I get comments all the time, when trying to describe to others what we deal with, that "oh I do that too" or "that happens to everyone." And it's true. The problem with that, though, is that then people fail to realize that ADHDrs have it happen ALL THE TIME--AND it's combined with other issues as well. Take for instance waiting until the last minute (or after it!) to get ready. I do it EVERY time. I always think I can fit in "one more thing" or I get totally absorbed in something (usually involving a screen) and then the other combining factors that add to the issue might be: I can't figure out what to wear, can't find my keys, think I remember where I'm going--but I don't--and get lost, etc. So yes, other people procrastinate, lose things, misplace things--but we do all of it every day.

I like to explain it as "the same stuff that happens to everyone else, but amplified." Turn it up a notch--or 10, or 100--to see what ADHDrs do (depending on what type, if they're mild or severe, etc.). My teenage son is a perfect example. Great kid. Deals with a lot of the "normal" teen stuff, but then turn it up a notch since he can't really learn from his mistakes--he'll make the same "choices" over and over, despite the result. So my friends who don't deal with this say, "take away his phone" or "ground him" and when I try to tell them this makes no difference whatsoever, they think I am just too lenient and have a spoiled kid (which may also be true). Rewards work slightly, punishments not at all, but when YOU, the parents, are also ADHD, then things really get fun!

I can't really criticize, though, because I used to be a disbeliever too. Thought ADHD was just an excuse for bad behavior and bad parenting. Now that my boys are 12 and 15 and one has it and the other does not--and I am finally being treated as well (Dad is ADHD too, but that's another story : )--I finally understand how that makes our lives different from other non-ADHD families. Poor son 12 has to deal with all of us!

On most days, I wouldn't trade all of the gifts ADHD brings for not having to deal with challenges. Life is so much more interesting!

ADHD is a Gift

2009-04-30T20:25:00.000-07:00

I am convinced that the only reason people with ADHD need to medicate themselves is to deal with the other 80% of the people who are not ADHD. Justifiably, everything is set up for them: schools, work, all of our societal processes. We are not a "problem" or "disorder"--it's been shown that we are generally gifted and have some pretty substantial discoveries and inventions to our credit, since many creative, brilliant people they now believe were ADHD.

I am currently studying Frank Lloyd Wright. The man was ADHD. He changed Taliesin West every winter he came back to it. He hated traditional education--because IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. Yet he created some of the most brilliant structures of any architect in the last three centuries.

ADHD is not a curse. It is a gift. The challenge with seeing it as a gift comes not from the "disorder" itself, but from trying to fit in to a world that doesn't fit us.